By Vanessa Silva Miranda
Image by Lorenzo Scudiero

 

I’m that girl. The girl you don’t expect me to be. I’m that girl, the one who doesn’t care.
I’m that girl, the one who doesn’t get caught up in the hassle of feelings or emotions, as if her heart was the commander of a misbehaving army, marching to the beat of an uncontrolled tune. I’m that girl, the one who doesn’t let her head get lost in dreams in the day or her lips in prayers in the night, thinking somebody out there could listen to her. I’m that girl, the one who doesn’t see hidden meanings in chances and coincidences, as if randomness and chaos could hold alluring secrets yet to be unfold. I’m that girl, the one who will bite your shoulder, draw your blood, suck you dry of your energy and then turn her back on you as if nothing happened. I’m that girl, the one who causes uncertainty instead of peace, not caring about the bruises left to heal. I’m that girl, the one who will cut lose all ties, even before you can catch your breath and realise what happened. I’m that girl, the one who doesn’t believe God and the Universe have a secret plan in store for all of us, as if our fate was already planned and all the pain could be given a meaning. I’m that girl, the one that will pass through you not caring, pretending your story is nothing more than ordinary in the light of millions of others. I’m that girl, the one that will show you how black and white life can be, not leaving room to those magic split seconds that fool us into believing. I’m that girl, the one who is always uninterested and uninvested, never mesmerized and passionate by the ones she meets. I’m that girl, the one who doesn’t cling on to people or thoughts, because she knows that even the smallest of affections can stir up storms inside of us.

The only thing is…even when I try with all my strength, even when I wish with all my heart… I can never be that girl.