“My last diary entry was in November. At the time, I was still living in Australia. The last month of the year had many starts and stalls, including moving out of a model apartment where I felt unsafe, shooting a campaign for a swimwear label, and flying back to the Northern Hemisphere to continue modeling in Chicago.
This career has never followed the path I thought or hoped it would. I can’t count how many times I thought a door was opening only to have it slam in my face. That’s why it has to change for me. That’s why I’ve made it change for me.
When I started modeling (many moons ago), social media was nowhere near the influence it has now. For far too long, I was angry about that. I felt like I had put in the work and was getting nowhere. But it was only because I didn’t know how to make my work actually work for me. I didn’t know how to influence social media. I learned the rules and never played by them. This only caused me frustration and this frustration was hurting me.
I admit that I am beyond grateful for this career. It has allowed me experiences and growth that I don’t think I would have been able to get from anything else. That being said, I’ve felt a lot of hurt. I know there is part of me that has become jaded.
It is my hope that during this turn in my career, where the doors are closing, that I look to the others that have been opened and that I remember all the ones that have opened before. This is what brings me peace.
It has been difficult to stay true to myself and even more difficult to cling to the hope that honesty will one day pay off. I know my faults and try to express them, providing an open look into what it is truly like to be a model, but then again, this is only my testament.
I’ve wanted this for so long. I wanted the influence. I wanted to say “yes” and prove myself when people tell me “no”. I wanted to show others that you can be from nowhere, not look the part, and still make waves. I’ve tried to prove myself. Every failure and every rejection has only propelled me forward, even if I don’t see that advancement immediately.
I guess I’m trying to catch anyone who reads this up to speed. I’m turning this into what I want it to be, through the honesty that is the only thing I know. And I’m so grateful for the opportunity to express that. Stay tuned. I got this. Just watch me.”
words and model: Jasmine Alleva
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