From Friends to Lovers Then Back Again by Rachel Lynch

Words and photo by Rachel Lynch

They say the body processes heartbreak the same way we would biochemically react if we were being held underwater. Blame it on the primitive brain, but we feel the loss of love like a threat to our survival.
And I did feel like I was being held underwater the night my relationship came to a sinking split. I could feel it coming like the way you anticipate the crashing of a giant wave. It was only a matter of the words being spoken out-loud. I guess we all sort of know when something is over.
The day we broke up, I knew it was going to happen. Maybe he did too. It was a cold February morning, and my heart was indifferent as it could possibly be. I even remember feeling intense waves of hate, which perhaps is closer to love than indifference. We lived together, so we tried to go about our day as if nothing was different, but I think we could both feel it. After the gym, coffee, work, and trying to go out to dinner together, it finally happened. He said the words I only wished I had the courage to say that day, but he has always been more bold than I.

That’s when the wave crashed. I had no response, just burst into a sea of tears and ran out of our apartment. My heart remembers it as if it was a traumatic experience. I spent the night at a friend’s house, packed my things the next day, and moved out by the weekend.
And as bad as that night was, I feel as if we’ve only really risen from there. Nothing was as low as that night. It’s almost as if all the pressure was released, and we were free to be ourselves and love again.

We’ve had so many wonderful adventures and loving exchanges since that night. We’ve gone on an adventure to a cabin in upstate New York and traveled to Mexico together. We’ve painted and created photographs, and supported each-other in our new relationships. We’ve drank champagne, gone to the beach, and talked about love. There’s no rules or labels for us anymore, just two people who choose to be in each other’s lives.

I think this particular experience has changed the way I look at love. Maybe I don’t need to possess someone, own them, call them mine. Maybe I love myself enough that I don’t need that anymore. Maybe I love him so much more unconditionally now that I want the whats best for him. They say your relationships are an exact mirror of your relationship with yourself. If that’s true, then I think I love myself more than the day I met you, and I think the same is true for you.